The Pirate’s Prologue
The Host pulled himself from the ditch at once,
“That last tale has made me feel like a dunce.
I will no longer let Wes Craven spin,
A tale that will cause me to vomit again!”
He stood up to hop back on his white horse
And began riding back onto the course.
“So far we have heard a tale of fear here,
As well as an unusual tale of care there.
We have even heard from the ninja guy,
Can one not tell of some fun lest I die?”
Just then a pirate appeared from the crowd,
And slipped a hand inside the stripper’s gown.
“Aye matey, I’ve got the tale for you friend,
For you should role with laughter by the end.
Except for that red-haired girl over there
Who just sings and dances without a care.”
Mind you that this is a pirate for real,
Not like the one’s that Walt Disney did steal.
His outlook on sex is quite deranged,
Perhaps because his trouser snake was quite under-changed.
If you are a fan of a fairy tale
Then you should read what Lance Bass has to tell.
The Pirate’s Tale
Before I begin, perhaps I should say
That this is a tale I learned not today.
It was told me by many folks crying
Thinking that it would prevent them from dieing.
I won’t go into all of that right now
To tell tales of such I’ll Dick Cheney allow.
This story takes place in the old
Where white as snow is every single child.
They all tell of a great prince named Whale,
Hence that small nation where I buy my ale.
It is said that his middle name was Ova,
And I am unsure who came up with Ova.
And as we know his last name was Pantsdragon.
Whale Ova Pantsdragon had’em gaggin’.
Whale had a younger brother named Arthur,
Who could look at the girls but go no farther.
The brothers competed in everything,
Arthur was better learning, Whale at flirting.
Neither were very successful with a sword,
Arthur would become immediately bored.
The thrust that concerned Whale wasn’t in combat,
He would spot a maiden and just want to hit that!
If it must be said, Whale is more like me,
And Spock over here is Arthur, you’ll see.
On a sunny May day, a girl appears,
So beautiful she is immune to leers.
The jaws of both boys drop hard causing twinge,
Whale says, “This is why all my girlfriends cringe.”
They both fall for the dear sweet Guinevere,
And they compete more than anything here.
She appeared while they were practice fighting,
Suddenly something in their pants was biting.
Each of them slide their swords around their belts,
To cover the extended front piece of felt.
She giggles at the sight that she caused,
Beauty like hers should be against the laws.
“These boys are such fun, full of gentleness.
Not to mention how well they fill their pants!”
One night, after a walk in her garden
She heard a knock on her door that was ardent.
In the doorway was a shrouded man,
But she could see the royal seal on his hand.
He grabbed her by the waist and kissed her neck
So softly that she returned with a peck.
Her gown began to loosen, hands on her lace,
So engrossed in pleasure, she looked at his face.
{This portion of the manuscript has been lost or destroyed. We apologize to the reader for the inconvenience.}
The castle was immersed in flame and arrows,
The possibility of the king’s escape was narrow.
The reasons for this war is not important,
At least according to my informants.
At the funeral, the next king would rise.
The town pondered, “Which one of these guys?”
There was a sword that has been stuck in a stone,
The boy that takes it from the grave is king alone.
Both boys pulled and pulled, but the blade was still,
Their Guinevere looks on with a thrill.
All left the sight with tears in their eyes,
Guinevere with the same down her thighs.
She paced back and forth in her lonely room
When suddenly she hears a thunderous Boom!
“What could create such a noise as this one?
Has George Bush brought his soldiers for more fun?”
She swung open the door to find Arthur,
With a complex device upon which is the sword,
Still within the stone, and Arthur bare,
Even this heavy sword stopped not his flare.
The sword is placed beside their marriage bed,
Where many Guinevere night tears are shed.
One dawn she screamed aloud and grasped the sword,
Pulling it from the stone, their future assured.
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